More Ways to De-Stress and Escape the Rat Race!

TODAY'S JOKE ARCHIVES
(funny, yet clean)

 

This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"   A saleswoman is driving toward home...in Northern Arizona when she sees  a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet,  she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in. During  their small talk,   the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front  seat   between them. "If you're wondering what's in the bag," offered the saleswoman, "It's a   bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman is silent for   a while, nods several times and says..."good trade."     Learn How COFFEE Can RETIRE You From Your Job in 6 to 18 Months!! Learn how kids in their 20's are Retiring from their jobs within their first year.  Nothing Sells Like COFFEE!! 24/7 Message: 888-285-1279 JobExit.com > Nick and Lynn Hetcher   Should children witness childbirth? Recently, due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic was able to respond to the home of a women in labor and her little daughter. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3 year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he delivered the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. The Mother pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom, Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."   Join Nick Hetcher with Your Fun Video  Click Here for More Information     RODNEY DANGERFIELD JOKES (they're clean) I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect.  Well, I told him I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.  He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.  I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection.  My yo-yo, it never came back!  When I was a kid I got no respect.  The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again." Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room. With my dog I don't get no respect.  He keeps barking at the front door.  He don't want to go out.  He wants me to leave. What a dog I got.  His favorite bone is in my arm! Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch. I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get. My wife and I were happy for twenty years.  Then we met. One night I came home.  I figured, let my wife come on.  I'll play it cool.  Let her make the first move.  She went to Florida.  I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake.  He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."   Nick Hetcher Interviews Comedian Alonzo Bodden ~ (Winner ~ "Last Comic Standing 3rd Season").  Listen to Nick Hetcher's candid and personal interview with comedian Alonzo Bodden.     More Rodney... My doctor told me to watch my drinking.  Now I drink in front of a mirror.  I drink too much.  Way too much.  My doctor drew blood.  He ran a tab. When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he still pulled through." I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west! My father was stupid.  He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens. My mother had morning sickness "after" I was born. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father.  He said he wanted more proof. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap.  He was in the electric chair.   Get my Prospecting Bible with "Over 250 Ways to Find New Prospects and Customer!"  (FREE right now) PLUS...Marketing and Prospecting Tips, Tricks and Ideas at MY BLOG > NickHetcher.com    More Rodney... Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide." I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..." When my old man wanted sex, instead of complaining of having a headache, my mother would show him a picture of me. I had a lot of pimples too.  One day I fell asleep in a library.  I woke up and a blind man was reading my face. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. Last week my tie caught on fire.  Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette. This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me. It's tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate." Last night my wife met me at the front door.  She was wearing a sexy negligee.  The only trouble was, she was coming home. A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over.  Nobody was home! I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her. I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up.  What's wrong with me?  He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect." I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.  He told me to wear a brown necktie. My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.  I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion."  He said, "All right. You're ugly too!" I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot! When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"     Today's Joke Archives Sponsored by "Break" Daily with Nick Hetcher & Friends     ONE-LINERS Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? Why does sour cream have an Expiration date? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?   Brad Stine (Weather Whiners)   Click Here to see SHOULD YOU EXERCISE? (Funny)   GOOD "WISCONSIN" (Nick Hetcher is from Wisconsin) JOKES DARE HEY.......   If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Wisconsin. If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Wisconsin. If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy," you might live in Wisconsin. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Wisconsin. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Wisconsin. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Wisconsin. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Wisconsin. If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Lutefisk, you might live in Wisconsin. If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Wisconsin. If you have either a pet or a child named "Brett", you might live in Wisconsin. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Wisconsin. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Wisconsin. If you know how to say Oconomowoc, Waukesha, Menomonie & Manitowoc, you might live in Wisconsin. If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in Wisconsin. If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancing bear, and you sing gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters, ....you might live in Wisconsin.    Frank Caliendo (a good 'ol Wisconsin boy) Series II. YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE WISCONSINITE WHEN... 1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. 2. "Vacation" means going up north past Hwy 8 for the weekend. 3. You measure distance in hours. 4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once. 5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again. 6. Your whole family wears Packer Green to church on Sunday. 7. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. 8. You see people wearing camouflage at social events. (including weddings) 9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. 10. You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison. 11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them. 12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time.   Nick Hetcher Interviews Comedian John Heffron ~ John Heffron won the second season of NBC’s Last Comic Standing. Heffron’s amusing and extensive material has earned him two separate half hour specials on the hit stand up show, Comedy Central Presents and he has become a regular on numerous TV shows.  Meet John Heffron, a very funny guy.   13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 15. You refer to the Packers as "WE." 16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction. 17. You can identify a southern or eastern accent. 18. You have no problem pronouncing Lac Du Flambeau. 19. You consider Minneapolis exotic. 20. You know how to polka. 21. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce. 22. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age. 23. Down South to you means Chicago. 24. A brat is something you eat. 25. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed. 26. You go out to fish fry every Friday night. 27. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost. 28. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 29. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly." 30. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Wisconsin friends.   Explode Your Business Sales Now!!  Have Nick Hetcher help your business boost profits with a custom (inexpensive, as in DIRT CHEAP) Voice-Over for Your Website, Blog or Email HUGE 50% OFF SALE NOW!!   Steve Wright Jokes Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked, "How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time." I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing. I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it. I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now." I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension. My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York. I like to skate on the other side of the ice. Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it. It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.   More Wright... I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time. I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this." There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny. I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone -- it had no number 5 on it. I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... My calendar has no sevens on it." Today I dialled a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" And I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll hold."    Steve Wright   GEORGE CARLIN JOKES / QUOTES: (They are "clean") Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Whatever happened to preparations A through G? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time." So what's the speed of dark? How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow? After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?   Can a Nick Hetcher $5 "VOICE-OVER" Help You SELL More (and Faster)? Find Out How 5DollarVoiceOvers.com   More Carlin... Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?   A Young Jay Leno     More Carlin... If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? How come abbreviated is such a long word? Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?   Three vampires walk into a bar... The bartender looks at him suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll be, boys?" The first vampire says "Blood. Give me blood." The second vampire says "I too wish for blood!" The third vampire says "Give me plasma." The Bartender smiles and says "Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light."   Ways to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace 1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) 2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) 3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive." 4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. 5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. 6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." 7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many." 8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors." 10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up." 12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?" 13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet. 14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."       ONLY IN AMERICA… 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call-waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures.' 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.   DOCTOR JOKES: "Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!" "Sit down and I'll deal with you later." "Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a bridge!" "What's come over you?" "Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!" "Pull yourself together!"   Elisabeth Hasselbeck (TV's ~ "The View" and  "Survivor") " That was great.  LOL, that was so funny Nick,  thank you!" Alonzo Bodden (Winner, Last Comic Standing) "Thanks Nick, good luck with the new site and show."  (Click to hear Nick's interview with Alonzo) Erin Murphy (Tabitha on "Bewitched." Currently, TV host): "Hey Nick, You're so funny!  I always enjoy stopping by for a laugh."   Erin