man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in
a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their
windows are open and he yells at the guy in the
Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The
guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I
got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very
nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You
got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The
light is just about to turn green and the guy in
the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed
in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says,
"NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in
back here — see?!" The light turns and the man
in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the
Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes
immediately to a customizing shop and orders
them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done
and he picks up his car and drives all over town
looking for the Granada. He finally finds it
parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls
up next to it. The windows on the Granada are
all fogged up and he feels a little awkward
about it, but he gets out of his newly modified
Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the
Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens
the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the
Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I
remember you. What's up?" "Check this out — I
got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the
man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE
SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
A saleswoman is driving toward home...in Northern
Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman
hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and
quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman
climbs in. During their small talk, the
Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown
bag on the front seat
"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offered
the saleswoman, "It's a bottle of wine. I got
it for my husband." The Navajo woman is silent
for a while, nods several times and
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Should children witness childbirth?
due to a power outage at the time, only one
paramedic was able to respond to the home of a
women in labor and her little daughter.
was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked
Katelyn, a 3 year old girl, to hold a flashlight
high over her mommy so he could see while he
delivered the baby.
diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.
pushed and pushed, and after a little while
Connor was born.
paramedic lifted him by his little feet and
spanked him on his bottom, Connor began to cry.
paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and
asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought
about what she had just witnessed.
quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in
there in the first place. Smack him again."
I tell you, with my
doctor, I don't get no respect. Well, I
told him I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills. He told me to have a few drinks and
get some rest.
I tell ya when I was a
kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it
never came back!
When I was a kid I got
no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and
the kidnappers sent my parents a note they
said, "We want five thousand dollars or
you'll see your kid again."
Some dog I got too. We
call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid
in every room.
With my dog I don't
get no respect. He keeps barking at the
front door. He don't want to go out. He
wants me to leave.
What a dog I got. His
favorite bone is in my arm!
Last week I saw my
psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep
thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off
I worked in a pet
store and people kept asking how big I'd
My wife and I were
happy for twenty years. Then we met.
One night I came
home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll
play it cool. Let her make the first move.
She went to Florida.
I asked my old man if
I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told
me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
Hetcher Interviews Comedian Alonzo
~ "Last Comic
Standing 3rd Season").
Listen to Nick Hetcher's
candid and personal interview with comedian Alonzo Bodden.
My doctor told me to
watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of
a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much.
My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.
When I was born the
doctor came out to the waiting room and said
to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did
everything we could...but he still pulled
I come from a stupid
family. During the Civil War my great uncle
fought for the west!
My father was stupid.
He worked in a bank and they caught him
My mother had morning
sickness "after" I was born.
My father carries
around the picture of the kid who came with
When I played in the
sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my
parents hated me. My bath toys were a
toaster and a radio.
One year they wanted
to make me poster boy... for birth control.
I remember the time I
was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of
my finger to my father. He said he wanted
My uncle's dying wish
was to have me sitting on his lap. He was
in the electric chair.
Ways to Find
Ideas at MY
Once when I was lost I
saw a policeman and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him, "Do you
think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I
don't know kid. There are so many places
they can hide."
I remember I was so
depressed I was going to jump out a window
on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to
talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."
When my old man wanted
sex, instead of complaining of having a
headache, my mother would show him a picture
I had a lot of pimples
too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I
woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
My wife made me join a
bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
Last week my tie
caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it
out with an ax!
I met the surgeon
general. He offered me a cigarette.
This morning when I
put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit
of the Loom guys laughing at me.
It's tough to stay
married. My wife kisses the dog on the
lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
My wife isn't very
bright. The other day she was at the store,
and just as she was heading for our car,
someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the
guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got
the license plate."
Last night my wife met
me at the front door. She was wearing a
sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she
was coming home.
A girl phoned me and
said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I
went over. Nobody was home!
I knew a girl so ugly,
I took her to the top of the Empire State
building and planes started to attack her.
I went to see my
doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told
him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get
up and look in the mirror I feel like
throwing up. What's wrong with me? He
said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is
I told my dentist my
teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear
a brown necktie.
My psychiatrist told
me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you
don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He
said, "All right. You're ugly too!"
I was so ugly, my
mother used to feed me with a slingshot!
When I was born the
doctor took one look at my face, turned me
over and said, "Look, twins!"
Archives Sponsored by "Break"
with Nick Hetcher & Friends
Tell a man that there are
400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to
How come Superman could stop bullets with
his chest, but always ducked when someone
threw a gun at him?
Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?
What would a chair look like if your knees
bent the other way?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what
is the opposite of progress?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial
ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains
How much deeper would the ocean be if
sponges didn't grow in it?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes
to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure"
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean
when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put
garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp"
to have an "s" in it?
What do little birdies see when they get
(Nick Hetcher is from Wisconsin)
JOKES DARE HEY.......
you consider it a sport to gather your food
by drilling through 18 inches of ice and
sitting there all day hoping that the food
will swimby, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you're proud that your region makes the
national news 96 nights each year because
International Falls is the coldest spot in
the nation,you might live in Wisconsin.
If you have ever refused to buy something
because it's "too spendy,"you might live in Wisconsin.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from
November through March, you might live in
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for
five months out of the year, you might live
If someone in a store offers you assistance,
and they don't work there, youmight live in Wisconsin.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving
around the middle of his forehead, you might
live in Wisconsin.
If you may not have actually eaten it, but
you have heard of Lutefisk, you might live
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the
same time, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you have either a pet or a child named
"Brett", you might live in Wisconsin.
If your town has an equal number of bars and
churches, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you have had a lengthy telephone
conversation with someone who dialeda wrong number, you might live in
If you know how to say Oconomowoc, Waukesha,
Menomonie & Manitowoc, you might live in
If you think that ketchup is a little too
spicy, you might live in Wisconsin.
If every time you see moonlight on a lake,
you think of a dancing bear,and you sing gently, "From the land
of sky-blue waters, ....youmight livein Wisconsin.
(a good 'ol Wisconsin boy)
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A
TRUE WISCONSINITE WHEN...
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars
waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going up north past Hwy
8 for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer
more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in
the same day and back again.
6. Your whole family wears Packer Green to
church on Sunday.
7. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of
snow during a raging blizzard, without
8. You see people wearing camouflage at
social events. (including weddings)
9. You install security lights on your house
and garage and leave both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as
beer, fish, and venison.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and
your girlfriend knows how to use them.
12. There are 7 empty cars running in the
parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm at any
John Heffron won
season of NBC’s Last Comic
earned him two
hour specials on
the hit stand up
and he has
become a regular
on numerous TV
Heffron, a very
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume
to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because
the potholes are filled with snow.
15. You refer to the Packers as "WE."
16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter,
winter, still winter and road construction.
17. You can identify a southern or eastern
18. You have no problem pronouncing Lac Du
19. You consider Minneapolis exotic.
20. You know how to polka.
21. Your idea of creative landscaping is a
statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
22. You were unaware that there is a legal
23. Down South to you means Chicago.
24. A brat is something you eat.
25. Your neighbor throws a party to
celebrate his new pole shed.
26. You go out to fish fry every Friday
27. Your 4th of July picnic was moved
indoors due to frost.
28. You have more miles on your snow blower
than your car.
29. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
30. You actually understand these jokes, and
you forward them to all your Wisconsin
Last night, I walked up to this beautiful
woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live
around here often?" She said, "You're
wearing two different colored socks." I
said, "Yes, but to me they're the same
because I go by thickness." Then she asked,
"How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you
know when you're sitting on a chair and you
lean back so you're just on two legs then
you lean too far and you almost fall over
but at the last second you catch yourself? I
feel like that all the time."
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of
the other one... It wasn't doing what I was
I was once walking through the forest
alone. A tree fell right in front of me --
and I didn't hear it.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so
I don't know what it is. Every once in a
while I'll be listening to the radio and I
say, "I think I might have written that."
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I
said, "Yes, but not right now."
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so
I don't accidentally walk through into
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't
fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
I like to skate on the other side of the
Every so often, I like to stick my head
out the window, look up, and smile for a
I have a map of the United States...
Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1
mile." I spent last summer folding it. I
also have a full-size map of the world. I
hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I
live, and I say, "E6".
Cross country skiing is great if you live
in a small country.
Everywhere is walking distance if you
have the time.
I have the world's largest collection of
seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of
the world... Perhaps you've seen it.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or
else when birds died they'd just stay right
up there. Hunters would be all confused.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking",
but I don't have that much time.
I went to the museum where they had all
the heads and arms from the statues that are
in all the other museums.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't
let me buy anything specifically.
I went down the street to the 24-hour
grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the
sign says you're open 24 hours." He said,
"Yes, but not in a row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak
out salespeople. They ask me if they can
help me, and I say, "Have you got anything
I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I
need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I went to the hardware store and bought
some used paint. It was in the shape of a
house. I also bought some batteries, but
they weren't included. So I had to buy them
I went into a clothes store the other day
and a salesman walked up to me and said,
"Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you
got anything I like?" He said, "What do you
mean do we have anything you like?" I said,
"You started this."
There was a power outage at a department
store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped
on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for
Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
Department and told them to wrap it, but in
a different print so he would know when to
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a
de-humidifier... I put them in the same room
and let them fight it out. Then I filled my
humidifier with wax, and now my room is all
I have a microwave fireplace in my
house... The other night I laid down in
front of the fire for the evening in two
Under my bed I have shoe box full of
telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I
open it up just a bit and I get a call. One
time I dropped the box all over the floor
and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I
had it disconnected. I bought a new phone
though. I didn't have much money so I had to
buy an irregular phone -- it had no number 5
on it. I saw a close friend of mine the
other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't
you called me?" I said, "I can't call
everyone I want. My new phone has no five on
it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I
said, "I don't know... My calendar has no
sevens on it."
Today I dialled a wrong number... The
other person said, "Hello?" And I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They
said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2
months old." I said, "I'll hold."
JOKES / QUOTES: (They are "clean")
Last night I played a blank tape at full
blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Just think how much deeper the ocean would
be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her
Whatever happened to preparations A through
If olive oil comes from olives, where does
baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids
asked me how long I'd be gone.
I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled
employees? And who has been dis-ing them
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an
hour before getting OUT of the water?
I Do This Website... I
TwitterBREAK.com as a "labor of love." Ya see, several years ago I had
2 heart attacks in a 24 hour
period. God chose to give me a
little more time here on earth
and I want to make the most of
that by sharing humor with good
people like you. Over the years
I have learned that life is
short and it is precious. I have
learned that a little humor in
our lives can relieve stress. It
can make us better people and
more attractive to others. It
can even help build our careers.
Short little "breaks" are proven
to help you relieve stress and
get more done in life, even in
business. I hope you enjoy some
of the fun content on my
websites and make it a point to
come back daily. Please
share this with your friends if
you feel so inclined, or if they're
a stress-ball who just needs a
little more humor in their life
each day. ~Nick